Sunderland 2018/19 season tickets given away free with a happy meal

Sunderland 2018/19 season tickets given away free with a happy meal

Following their relegation to League One, Sunderland have set out to keep their stadium filled with intense support by giving away season tickets with McDonalds happy meals instead of the plastic toy. But children are instead using the tickets for cleaning up after their pets, fixing the short legs on tables and cutting coke at…

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What will the astonishing plane banner psychic predict next?

What will the astonishing plane banner psychic predict next?

People are finally paying attention to ‘Mystic’ Matilda Collins after yet another one of her amazing plane banner prophesies came to pass today. ”Admittedly I do rarely go out on a limb,” the 60 year old tea leaf reader came clean to us, “and some of my predictions, such as ‘Man City won’t be relegated’…

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Millwall playing a match

Moneybags Millwall move closer to Premier League with crazy -£512K net spend

Millwall’s spending spree this season has left them tantalisingly close to the Premier League for the first time in their history. Other Championship clubs have looked on enviously as Millwall have racked up a negative net spend of £512,000. 26 players have arrived at the club over the season with George Saville signed for a…

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Bale playing for Madrid

Bale to United: The missing piece of the attacking puzzle

Keeping De Gea is obviously the number one aim of Manchester United this summer. He’s their keeper, their saviour and perhaps even their God. The second task should be to give Real Madrid some of their own medicine and sign Gareth Bale. The ex-Spurs attacker is not loved by the Madrid fans. He’s also in…

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Coutinho v Eriksen

Why Coutinho should get a Champions League medal if Liverpool win the competition

Now some of you may disagree with this, but I think it’s about time this club started taking the contributions of its past players and its history a bit more seriously. We need to look at what players have done to move the team forward as a unit even if they wound up leaving in…

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Sean Dyche and Wenger

Sean Dyche to Arsenal: Winner takes all for 6th place

Sean Dyche vs Arsene Wenger: Who is the better manager? You would have been afraid to ask the question a few years ago as people would have questioned your sanity. Now the question should be asked. Burnley and Arsenal are in a direct battle for 6th place and the Clarets have the momentum. If Sean…

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Is Pep Guardiola actually any good?

Guardiola: “Are we great or is everyone else just shite?”

Newly crowned Premier League Champions manager Pep Guardiola was ecstatic in his post weekend interviews, thrilled with his players, staff and club. But there was one area he had to admit helped more than any other. ”The fact that no other side could string two results together any given week really was a huge boost…

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How to pick a Grand National winner to prove you live in a simulation

How to pick a Grand National winner to prove you live in a simulation

Its that time of year again when people care about horse racing for a few hours and try to seem like Charles Bukowski talking to one another about odds and form, different tracks and jockey styles but in the end there’s really only one question when it comes to horse racing. Do you live in…

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Van Dijk at liverpool

Virgil Van Dijk gets Liverpool’s defence to calm down

Record Liverpool signing, Virgil Van Dijk, has achieved the the near impossible task of getting the club’s defence to calm down. This is a defence that includes the maverick lunger, Dejan Lovren. Liverpool tore Man City apart over two legs. Only one goal was conceded, which would have been considered a minor miracle a few…

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Kane scoring for Spurs

Harry Kane claims that he is the Zodiac Killer

In an escalating trend of making outrageous claims, Harry Kane has now revealed that is the Zodiac Killer. In a sensational press conference, the Spurs striker also stated that he was solely responsible for the global economic meltdown in 2008 and for the invention of the hoverboard. Kane kicked this week off by claiming a…

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Juventus furious that referees give preferential treatment to certain teams

Juventus furious that referees give preferential treatment to certain teams

having never profited from a controversial decision in their history, Juventus were understandably aggrieved Wednesday night when Real Madrid’s last minute penalty dumped them out of the champions league. ”Frankly the whole thing smacks of ‘dare I say it’ corruption “ Said Juventus fan Enrico Baldacci. “I know it’s a thing people never want to…

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Roma ask Barcelona for leniency in return for free tickets to the Colosseum

Roma ask Barcelona for leniency in return for free tickets to the Colosseum

Roma could be investigated by FIFA for alleging offering Barcelona players free tickets to the Colosseum in return for the Catalan giants showing leniency in their upcoming Champions League match. Barcelona won the first leg 4-1 and could really humiliate their opponents in the second leg in Rome. Free tickets to the Colosseum has already…

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Conor McGregor in the UFC

Conor McGregor challenges Dublin Bus to a “double-decker deathmatch”

UFC superstar and all-round sane sportsman, Conor McGregor, has thrown down the gauntlet to Dublin Bus. The Crumlin fighter will be in front of a judge in New York later today on charges related to an attack on a 14 seat bus yesterday. McGregor inflicted serious damage on the vehicle by throwing a chair through…

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LeBron: basketball was always just a stop gap till I finished my novel

LeBron: basketball was always just a stop gap till I finished my novel

Cleveland Cavs small forward LeBron James admitted Wednesday that sometimes it seems he’s never going to finish his debut novel and finally be rid of the interim career that has dogged him since college.  “It’s tough. People don’t realise. But getting home late after practice and finding the energy to open up my laptop and…

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Dele Alli v Alexis Sanchez

Has Dele Alli proven his dad wrong?

With an impressive brace against Chelsea Dele Alli looks to have bounced back from the slip in form that saw him dropped from the last England squad and had many questioning whether he was worth his place in the Spurs first team. But with these two latest goals against a Champions League rival, Alli’s dad’s…

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Joe Canning accused of sliotar tampering outrage

Joe Canning accused of sliotar tampering outrage

A thick fog of accusations and recriminations befell the world of inter county hurling this week when Galway star Joe Canning was accused of tampering with the sliotar during his team’s latest series of wins. It was revealed that sometimes hurlers can lightly graze their fingernails over the surface of the sliotar or in some…

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Memphis Depay: I can be the best player in the world if everyone gives me the ball

Memphis Depay: I can be the best player in the world if everyone gives me the ball

“I’m not kidding,” the Lyon and Holland striker claimed today, “ as long as everybody works for me on the pitch, wins tackles for me, provides me with quality passes, stands back and gives me the time and space to do what I know I can, there are really no limits to what I can…

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Hamilton: “In helmet screaming the secret to Mercedes speed”

Hamilton: “In helmet screaming the secret to Mercedes speed”

“I shouldn’t be telling you this” Lewis Hamilton tells us over a coffee in his personal trailer “I mean it’s a closely guarded secret. But I suspect a lot of teams do it. We think Ferrari have been doing it for years.” ”To put it simply. The louder and longer I scream, the faster the…

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Ronaldo: “Every goal I score I have to sacrifice a cat”

Ronaldo: “Every goal I score I have to sacrifice a cat”

It’s another late night in a quiet suburb on the East side of Madrid.  You can’t hear a sound. It feels like the whole city is asleep and they probably are. Beside us, Cristiano Ronaldo is lurking in a large bush, holding a sack filled with rancid cat food. He’s wearing his ankle length velvet…

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Alexis Sanchez officially signed by United according to Twitter randomer

Alexis Sanchez playing FIFA 18 on ‘all-out attack’ mode to fill the void in his life

Manchester United star, Alexis Sanchez, has revealed that he is utilising the "tactic all-out attack" in the popular football game, FIFA 18. In an interview with PlayStation Monthly, Sanchez described his long playing sessions: « I just play every game on all out attack. It’s a bit reckless but fun. The gaffer wants me to defend…

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Roy Keane’s Pornhub Review Corner

Roy Keane’s Pornhub review corner

Greetings readers. This week I’ve been asked to review a scat and spit roast classic with a bit of a twist. So let’s see what it’s all about. Hairy Housewives 4: The Shittening If I’m honest I was appalled by the shoddy camera work and second rate script right from the start. If they think…

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Shane Ross approves Grand Prix track for Stepaside

Shane Ross approves Grand Prix track for Stepaside

In a much anticipated move, TD Shane Ross has followed up his decision to resurface the Wesley hockey pitch with a move to build a fabulous €480 million state of the art Grand Prix track amidst the hills of Stepaside. The funding application won out over bids from a charity that helps homeless burn-victim orphans…

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Salah demands: “Compare me to Messi”

Salah: “Compare me to Messi”

Liverpool forward Mo Salah has demanded to be compared to Lionel Messi after hitting 28 goals for his club this season. “I’m sick of everyone fucking around here. In my book this Messi character is overrated. A sham. His whole team in Barcelona is set up only to play for him and he hasn’t done…

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Ireland rugby team ‘declared British’ by UK media
Tiger playing golf

Pro Golfers to wear red sweaters in protest against publicity levels for Tiger Woods

Professional golfers on the PGA Tour will start wearing red sweaters on the final days of tournaments moving forward. The campaign will highlight the disproportionate amount of media coverage Tiger Woods is receiving. World number 1, Dustin Johnson, revealed that the players just want some camera time: « I’ve nothing against Tiger but the red sweater…

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The secret paintings of Fernando Alonso

The secret paintings of Fernando Alonso

Some say the pressure is getting to Fernando Alonso. Known more for his driving prowess than his artistic inclinations, former Formula 1 champion Fernando was at first reluctant to share his paintings with us during an interview earlier this year. But we heard they were how he deals with the tough life of a driver…

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Eddie Jones apologises for expressing his and the RFU’s actual feelings

Eddie Jones apologises for expressing his and the RFU’s actual feelings

England coach Eddie Jones moved swiftly today to apologise for comments he made at a promotional event for Mitsubishi's parent company, Fuso. Speaking 'off the cuff' as he is often known to do, Jones, known throughout the sport and fitness community as 'the before picture' labelled Wales a 'shit little place' and Ireland 'scummy'. Jones,…

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Pellegrino Southampton

Pellegrino “I would have saved Southampton from relegation to League One next season”

The Southampton board have decided to act at last. With 30 games played in an underwhelming campaign, the board have parted company with a manager that never really looked the part. Pellegrino was disappointed to leave early as he was still confident of avoiding relegation to League One next season. The ex-Saints boss was adamant…

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Carragher: I was only sayin’ Flippin’ Ech

Carragher: I was only sayin’ Flippin’ Ech

Suspended Sky Sports pundit and former Liverpool hero Jamie Carragher rushed to clarify his actions that led to his suspension when he was filmed spitting at a 14 year old girl from his moving car. ”I was liche so tachen abach when that manc started slaggin me off about the matschhh resulttt,” Carragher told our…

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Bradley Wiggins ‘is a vampire who must ingest the blood of children’ claim

Bradley Wiggins ‘is a vampire who must ingest the blood of children’ claim

Team Sky have once again leapt to the defence of their star Tour de France winning cyclist who was this week found to have drunk ‘pint after pint of delicious children’s blood’ for non performance reasons. ”Bradley’s dark secret is that he is one of the children of the night. You may have seen him…

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