After choosing to cancel their Christmas party, the millionaire players of Newcastle United this week decided to write to Santa and ask to be put on the naughty list.
“It’s a big gesture from the guys”, manager Rafa Benitez told the assembled press, “they know their performances haven’t been good enough this season and they want to make amends.”
Speaking from the players car park full of Ferraris and Lamorghinis, Benitez led the press through to where players changed out of their Armani and Calvin Klein clothes to the club kit.
“The players got together and decided to make a real sacrifice,” Jonjo Shelvey clarified, sipping champagne from the Jacuzzi in his mansion, ” We all clubbed together and write to Santa, asking for coal.”
“We just didn’t deserve any better.” Joselu explained while his personal masseuse worked his back over in his private gym. “We felt we really needed to show the fans how we’re sacrificing a turkey and ham dinner and a dj but also writing to Santa so we don’t get any presents.”
Newcastle are languishing in 16th in the Premier League and if things don’t pick up they might not get any Easter Eggs either.