Young people in the town of Southampton are being warned to ‘stay safe – stay indoors’ if they don’t want to be snapped up by premier league club Liverpool.
“They have vans crawling the roads looking for anyone under 30 who can kick a ball.” Said one local. “Once they get you, you’re bundled in a van and taught how to burn copies of the Sun.”
“It’s already happened to Lambert, Lallana, Lovren, Clyne and Sadio Mane. And they just won’t stop.”
“They cut you off from family, from friends and your team. It’s a relentless cult built on nostalgia and victimhood.”
Dutch youngster Virgil Van Dijk is the latest Southampton local to find himself followed by Liverpool vans.
“They’ve been following me since last summer. I can’t go to the shops. I wake up at 3am to someone playing ‘Ferry cross the Mersey ‘ at full volume through a tannoy. I mean, I’m a defender. Why would I want to join Liverpool?”
Police have issued a stern warning about Liverpool operations in the area.
“No player is safe. If you have a half decent game at the weekend you can expect to have your life ruined.”