Our dedicated Pollemma tech boffins have been working tirelessly all weekend on their hi tech machines to come up with an imaginary scenario in which Guardiola’s team blow their league and one of the chasing pack take the spoils. They arrived at these 5 things having to happen.
1. Resurrection of the Egyptian chaos god, Set.
While an unlikely scenario, our calculations tell us an unholy ritual would have to be performed to summon the dog headed deity of disorder, planting him within the body of a human like in the classic movie ‘The mummy ‘ , someone perhaps like one Sam Allardyce. Stay with us here. Set then sets about getting himself sacked by Everton thanks to some astounding defeats, beginning with 5-1 against Arsenal.
2. Olivier Giroud completes an unholy pact with the devil
In order to guarantee a starting spot at the World Cup , Giroud bargains with Lucifer to become the most prolific striker in the history of the premier league, scoring 60 goals in the rest of the season. The price he must pay? Engineer the end of Guardiola at City.
3. Jurgen Klopp creates an intergalactic warp-space spore-drive that merges our world with an alternate universe
Don’t sneer, we’ve known for some time Liverpool see this as the only viable path to finally taking home the league and have been working on it covertly since Robbie Fowler retired. In this new merged cosmic reality, Liverpool can just about hold on to a lead, Kevin de Bruyne finds himself arrested for organising a somewhat successful dog fighting ring in greater Manchester and Pep Guardiola begins to long once again for the much maligned back alley kebab shops of Munich, having developed a visible eating disorder of binging on a shish kebab each time city score.
4. Giroud convinces a now morbidly obese Pep to purchase 1860 Munich with a weeks worth of his wages so he can once again enjoy the succulent lamb pieces in the German city.
Pep hands in his notice with immediate effect from the spicy sauce soaked bed he can no longer move from. In the resulting managerial melee, City are forced to hire the only available manager for the remainder of the season. Sam Allardyce recently fired by Everton after five successive 8-0 defeats during which the former England manager was seen to be performing profane and blood curdling sacrificial chicken rituals on the side of the pitch.
5. The era of football darkness returns.
Those of us who remember the show Grandstand are plunged back into the chaos horror of 80s English league football. Untended muddy pitches. Ales at half time . Pies for player nutrition. Unfit unwashed and boozed up northerners flaying about in the 6 yard box for the inevitable long ball. This is the footballing world of San Allardyce / chaos god Set, hovering meters above the goal mouth in his pie and ale stained sacrificial golden gown, orbited by jewels and human heads cackling in infernal delight as City are relegated.
Paddy Power will give you 7-1 on this happening but your better option is, as ever, betfair
feature image: sportxclusive.com