Save with me guys and I guarantee you’ll make out like a Chilean Bandito!
1. Move to FC Barcelona
The bigger Spanish clubs are like tax havens now. In the dressing room the lads don’t talk about cars or girls, nah, instead they are all like “you can wear the shirt hombre, but to be one of us you need to stop paying your taxes” so after a while, just to join in on the bants, you totally do and then life gets waaay better.
3. Yo im not that great with numbers
It was a big part of my defence. But if you can manage to be a multi millionaire footballer you won’t have to be. When prosecutors in Spain come for you you won’t have to serve any time because defrauding the Spanish population of the tax from the money you earn because they pay to watch you kick a ball is a first offense. And even if it’s not. Who gives a shit am I right? You know I am.
9. Move to another country.
It just looks better yo. I mean Arsenal is good but if you’re feeling especially nervous make sure it’s Manchester United. I mean there you can literally kick a fan in the face from the pitch or admit to intentionally breaking an opponents leg and the cops won’t get involved.
17. Distract the media by missing a drugs test during your transfer
They’ll be more interested in your salary anyway. Also it means… we’ll you know what it means am I right hombres? If you can score a goal against a third division side in the cup on your debut that should smooth the whole affair too.
21. And relax.
Now you can cruise. Twitter doesn’t like content like this trending so it’ll disappear pretty quick from people’s timelines. Soon you’ll be back to scoring a goal every four games and enjoying your 400k a week. But remember to pay your taxes in England though. They have real police there!
feature image: evening standard