So it’s the most romantic night of the year but it just so happens the 2 most mouth watering, voluptuously sexy European teams are playing each other just when she’ll be expecting to receive her box of chocolates and home cooked spaghetti. What to do?
Follow our 4 point plan for success.
Make her think you’re having an affair.
Just subtle things like wearing cologne to work. Texting secretively and laughing to yourself and then refusing defensively to explain the joke or why you haven’t replied to her WhatsApp message in an hour.
Also buy yourself a present and refuse to explain where it came from. Something intensely personal like a cd of your dead grandads favourite songs.
Make it seem like you’re going to cancel valentines
Get a bit iffy about the time and place. Tell her you’re kinda broke and think you’re coming down with something. Finally she’ll get the message. You don’t want to know. She’ll run quiet a while. Just let that run its course.
send her on a wild goose chase from an apparent secret admirer which lasts 90 minutes plus extra time.
Really just a random list of clues leading from one place to the next. Keep her running around in the wind and rain all night while you’re roaring at the tv from atop your hill of empty beer cans. They love that shit. Netflix will probably adapt this and cast Jessica Biel.
The final clue leads to your front door at 9.35.
where you’re waiting with a bunch of roses a glass of white wine and your football shirt tucked in hidden beneath the swankiest shirt you have.
Ps. Dump her if your team loses ! Do it!