Team Sky have once again leapt to the defence of their star Tour de France winning cyclist who was this week found to have drunk ‘pint after pint of delicious children’s blood’ for non performance reasons.
”Bradley’s dark secret is that he is one of the children of the night. You may have seen him lurking around French mountaintop graveyards or transforming into a bat. It’s a condition he has heroically battled with his entire life.”
”of course because of his affliction there’s nothing whatever wrong with pints of children’s blood showing up in his system back when he was competing “ the Sky team representative said “there’s nothing in any rule book about not stalking, hunting, pouncing on and drinking the delicious nourishing blood of a little child” the representative finished his tirade with a loud cackle and a gentle smile asa number of wolves howled in the distance.
Sir Steve Redgrave leaptto the defence of his fellow Olympian this week by denying the blood sucking champion had ‘crossed any ethical lines’ when deciding to race powered up on the high octane fuel of the blood of the innocent.
”It’s the rules that are at fault, not some hapless nosferatu who just happens to be good on a bike. If a rider isn’t allowed clasp his fangs around the neck of a child and drain it’s life essence in a shocking and gruesome display of bestial violence then that needs to be spelled out.”
Wiggins, who has been conducting interviews from his castle all week, sat flanked by his retinue of hunchback helpers and 18th century gypsy caricatures as he gave his opinion between sipping from his goblet of dark red fluid.
”I feel I am being victimized by those anxious to hop up on the anti vampire bandwagon that’s grown popular of late. Just because some vampires like Lance Armstrong used their condition to win races it doesn’t make all of us guilty. If anything I’m the victim here. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to pin this virgin to a bed and drain her of her plasma.”
Thankfully it seems the British media have already forgiven Count Wiggins for this misadventure and are once again calling him British rather than Belgian in their reports.