Liverpool forward Mo Salah has demanded to be compared to Lionel Messi after hitting 28 goals for his club this season.
“I’m sick of everyone fucking around here. In my book this Messi character is overrated. A sham. His whole team in Barcelona is set up only to play for him and he hasn’t done jack shit with his national team.”
Salah smoked a huge cigar, ensconced in a vast fur coat and wearing a crown in a manner some have compared to WWE call outs.
”Let him come and play here in the Premier League with the men. What a doofus. You can’t say this guy hasn’t been lucky in his career. If I was playing for Barca every year with guys like Iniesta teeing me up against teams that barely tackle I’d score 80 a year easy.” Salah laughed a long hard laugh. “He can fuck off with his poxy little teenage beard too. Stop trying to be a man you virgin midget.”
Salah V Lukaku Image: the Liverpool Offside
Jurgen Klopp shook his head but was forced to admit Salah has been like this ever since he joined the club. It’s been Anfields biggest secret.
“Ever since he saw the movie ‘Notorious ‘ about Conor McGregor he’s been swaggering around the training pitch calling people cucks and snowflakes and nutmegging James Milner till he broke down and wept like a little girl. It’s been hard to manage.”
In an official statement from the player, Salah claimed he was the father of Messi’s newborn child and challenged him to a caged football play off at the World Cup finals in Russia.
”The era of Messi is finished. The reign of King Salah has already begun and you cucks don’t even realise. Ahah ahaha. Well you’ll see when I slam 4 goals up the arses of those Barcelona pieces of shit and claim the Champions League as my own. “
Salah proceeded to swagger back out of the room to the tune Straight out of Compton, laughing and drinking champagne with s retinue of hos and bodyguards.
feature image: bbc.co.uk