Let’s get one thing straight from the beginning. I don’t use the term reptile as a metaphor for any religion, culture or race. I’ve been accused of it in the past and take great exception to being branded a bigot.
Having said that. I’ve been told by some sources very close to Newcastle United that Shelvey refuses to use the same dressing room as the other players. Apparently it was the reason he was sold by Liverpool too. My contacts in the medical team at St. James’ are very wary of sharing too many details but would disclose that Shelvey shares the same breathing pattern and movement pattern of a large Galapagos turtle. Now wait one moment. That may seem ludicrous to say. But the same medical team member assured me the player was extremely and I mean extremely self conscious about a small reptilian tail protruding from just above his anus.
Moreover if you watch his movements carefully on the pitch during any game you like, you’ll find he moves just like a sped up turtle. Diagonally and side to side in the main. And his head and neck movements are unmistakable.
Here’s why this isn’t a stupid theory. He’s not alone.
Modric left Spurs because the club refused to let him jacuzzi alone. The one time he did, sources say he unzipped his flesh completely and allowed the alien turtle creature slip out into the bubbles fast enough it was hard for the human eye to see. Apparently it was captured on CCTV and is in circulation on the dark web. If you carefully examine Modric’s head movements a couple of things become clear. His hair almost never moves. Like it’s carved out of wax. Also his hips move almost independently of his upper body. A sure sign of Baxter’s definition of turtle behaviour.
Both Peter Beardsley and Warren Barton are known amongst conspiracy circles to harbour bizarre feasting fetishes, demanding wet reed salad.
It was only a matter of time before the alien reptile breeding program active since the 50s with the full sanction of Whitehall began showing results visible to the general public. In this case in the highest levels of our footballers. In other cases different sections of the media.
The question is, with players like Luca Modric and Shelvey performing at so high a level, will clubs intentionally seek out reptilians for transfers in the future?
feature image: express.co.uk