Shocking news from Arsenal with England superstar Daniel Welbeck in great doubt following the player developing infected anal sores from his time on the bench.
“This throws my plan to finish the tournament as top scorer into a lot of jeopardy,” the star told the guy behind the chip counter around the corner from his home, “but in my heart of hearts I know deep down I still have at least three world cups left in me.”
The star receives daily cream treatment from other England strikers for the massive festering arse boils which threaten to dampen his blistering pace and laser finishing prowess but the Arsenal man remains resolute.
“The fact is everyone knows Harry Kane is just a one season wonder. Whereas my form has been constant as the north star. Why, Mr. Wenger even took me aside this week. He told me ‘you my son are my fucking legacy to this shower of money hungry cunts’ and he left the room cackling wildly. I really see that as a ringing endorsement of my potential even at my current age. “
Sitting on the bench week in week out has allowed Welbeck collect and store all the energy cubes he needs to ascend to the levels of Neymar and Mbappe.
“I started measuring my energy in cubes since I was 9 and it’s never steered me wrong. I mean look at my glittering career. By my reckoning Kane is down to 2 cubes where’s I’ve stored up close to 11 and am ready to ascend. I’ve written a letter to Roy Hodgson telling him as much too. As he’s the last England manager to make contact with me.