Insomnia U.K has heaped praise on West Ham and Manchester United after their Thursday night match ended in a 0-0 draw. The association helps people dealing with insomnia and were impressed by the efforts of the two Premier League clubs to combat the illness. A spokesperson from Insomnia U.K was particularly touched by the continued efforts of Jose Mourinho:
“Mr. Mourinho has done more to combat insomnia this season than all the melatonin tablets in the country. We strongly advise our members to watch Manchester United when they’re playing. Evening matches typically ensures a good night’s sleep while a 3 P.M kick-off guarantees a relaxing afternoon nap. Starting with no recognised strikers away to a side that has just barely avoided relegation was a touching gesture. Insomnia U.K would also like to thank David Moyes for playing five defenders in a game where the match result wasn’t really relevant. It’s these small sacrifices that allow our members to get some precious shuteye”
Passionate supporters of the cause
West Ham and Manchester United played out one of the most boring games of the season. The Premier League has allegedly been sued by supporters for false advertising. Jack Bunn from Slough, the plaintiff, has had enough of this “best league in the world shite” and is ready to “sue the bloody arses of these lads for ruining my life”.
Mourinho was unrepentant in the post-match interview about his team’s performance. According to the Man United boss, the charity work his team is carrying out for Insomnia U.K is far more important than having any shots. David Moyes is a decade-long supporter of the association and typically ends each evening watching player-cam footage of Pablo Zabaleta’s performances. When asked by reporters why he played five defenders when the team was already safe, the Scottish manager angrily responded “because it’s orgasmic”.
Photo by Shinsuke JJ Ikegame