”We expected this and were prepared.” Said one vicar ahead of his church being besieged by Man United fans ahead of next Saturday’s final. “They’re coming in their thousands, hundreds of thousands maybe, to pray to their god as a last resort for a Real Madrid victory.”
Churches in Manchester are equipped with special emergency packs dispatched by the diocese in case Liverpool reach another European Cup final. Vast banners depicting Eric, George Best and Cristiano Ronaldo as the holy trinity look down upon special prayer vigils every church organises to plead to their lord for Salah to fluff it, for Sadio Mane to pull up with cramp and for Hendo to play like he does every week.
”To be honest, even after losing the FA Cup it’s all we have left of the season. Making sure the dippers blow it by any means necessary.” Roddy Borland has attended 7 masses in 36 hours and lit over 17 candles to make sure Liverpool lose. “I was an atheist until they got through against Roma. But now I’ve seen the light. The light of Scousers everywhere weeping at the full time whistle while Ronaldo does a lap of honour. Let it be.”
Manager Jose Mourinho has even been seen wearing a string of rosary beads and attending confesssion in order to make good with the guy above in the hopes of an almighty favor leading to a Tony Kroos penalty before being cast out of the church for the cardinal sin of not subbing Alexis Sanchez in the FA cup final.
Celebrity fan Mick Hucknall has taken the step of creating a celebrity charity single with Ian Brown, Usain Bolt and Rory McIlroy among others entitled, ‘You’ll never win again’ to the theme of the Liverpool anthem. “We’re all getting into the spirit of hating Liverpool here in Manchester and what better way than to raise funds to put Michael Shields back in a Bulgarian jail.”
The Archbishop of Manchester was unequivocal about how god was a manc and there was no way the scousers would lift the trophy yet again. “Fuck the dippers” he screamed from the pulpit on Sunday morning burning a photo of Kenny Dalglish.
Only time will tell if the almighty is a scouser or a manc.