Ireland super forward Robbie Keane announced his full retirement from all football this week, with a tear in his eye, in what feels to fans like his 7th or 8th retirement now.
“It’s always been a dream of mine to one day stop playing completely, ever since I was a small boy in Dublin. I wore a bag of cans on my side, as was the style of the time. We used to play with jumpers for goal posts and the boys would say ‘Robbie, come play as striker,” and I’d shout back from my BMX “fuck off, I’m retired. Good times.”
Keane, who devoted large parts of his boyhood to dreaming about playing for every single team in global association football, described himself as looking forward to life off the pitch.
The star will now confine his trademark cartwheel celebration to when he picks up vouchers in Aldi and plans to follow a new trend set by people like Conor McGregor by getting into the alcohol business.
“I’m starting a line of budget alcopops, for the kids. I really want to give something back, so I’m proud to introduce Wolfe Tone Irish Alcopops. I was important to acknowledge our nations heritage in a wide range of delicious flavours, from Fenian Tangerinian to Blueberry Home Ruleberry. Available at your local teenage disco.”
Long time Keane fan Mick McCarthy expressed dismay at not being able to select the goal hero for his next Ireland squad. “He would’ve been the second oldest there after Ian Harte.”